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Raising a “Spicy One” with Calm, Kind, and Firm Love (with Mary Van Geffen)

Some kids arrive on the scene with opinions, volume, and a presence you can feel from two rooms away. They’re spirited, persistent, justice-seeking, wildly creative—and yes, sometimes wildly defiant. If that’s your child (or… you 🙋‍♀️), today’s episode with parenting coach and author Mary Van Geffen will feel like a deep exhale.

Mary’s new book, Parenting a Spicy One, is part memoir, part coaching manual. Together we talk about reimagining what it means to be a “good mom,” how to lead strong-willed kids without power struggles, and why repair—not perfection—builds true connection.

What We Mean by “Spicy”

Mary uses “spicy” to describe children who are intense, persistent, and passionate—kids who feel everything big. They’re the future advocates, artists, and entrepreneurs, and they can be wonderfully challenging to parent. The goal isn’t to “tame” them; it’s to shepherd their strength while we grow in our own leadership.

“Very fantastic moms can have wildly defiant children.” —Mary Van Geffen

Read that again and put it on your bathroom mirror. 

Redefining “Good Mom”

Many of us (especially in faith spaces) learned to define “good mom” by a child’s outward behavior: quiet, compliant, tidy, cheerful. Mary invites a reset. A good mom is not measured by her child’s mood or compliance, but by how she shows up: calm, kind, and firm—especially when socks have seams, math is hard, or plans change.

This reframe frees us from the endless performance cycle. Instead of trying to control our child’s inner world (which we can’t), we focus on the spaces we do influence: our thoughts, our nervous system, and the culture we’re creating at home.

Your Child Is Not the Battle—They’re the Curriculum

Spicy kiddos often expose our own unhealed places: control, fear, shame, comparison. That doesn’t mean we’re doing it “wrong.” It means we’re being invited into growth. Mary calls it a spiritual discipline: learning to lead with love when leadership is hardest.

Practical shift: Replace “Why is she like this?” with “What is being invited to grow in me right now?”

The Conscious Pause (Your New Superpower)

Before the correction or consequence, pause. Place a hand on your heart and one on your belly. Breathe. Ask, “Who is upset here—my child or me?” This 20–60 second reset moves you from amygdala (react) to prefrontal cortex (respond). It’s simple, and it changes everything.

If it helps, borrow a “leadership archetype.” Mary likes a calm queen or Glinda the Good; I’ve been known to channel 70s Wonder Woman (spin, reset, start again 😉). Embodying steady energy teaches your nervous system what “calm, kind, and firm” feels like in the moment.

Repair > Perfection

You’ll blow it sometimes. (Same.) The win is not a house with zero meltdowns; it’s repair that builds trust.

Try this framework:

1. Name it: “I’m sorry I yelled and grabbed your wrist.”
   
   
2. Name the impact: “That probably felt scary.”
   
   
3. State your intention: “This is a safe home. I want to handle big feelings gently.”
   
   
4. Invite their voice: “What was that like for you?”
   
   
5. Cast the path forward: “Here’s what I’ll do next time… and what I’m practicing.”
   
   

Skip the “but you…”—repair is about your part, not proving a point.

Speak Life, Specifically

Spicy kids are sensitive to criticism and generic praise. Swap “Good job!” for specific affirmations that mirror what you actually saw:

• “You stuck with that puzzle for 15 minutes—that’s serious grit.”
  
  
• “You noticed your brother needed help and stepped in. That’s leadership.”
  
  

Make a running “Beauty List” on your phone: persistence, justice, creativity, voice, humor, courage. Read it when the day feels long. Speak it when their inner critic gets loud.

For the Homeschool Day

• Preview the moment: “At dinner we speak life over each other. Think of one specific thing you appreciate about your sibling.”
  
  
• Protect the sibling: Hold boundaries on insults; connection and safety are core classroom supplies.
  
  
• Slow customer service: It’s okay to say, “I’m taking a moment to think,” before responding to pushback.
  
  
• Name the culture: “In our home, big feelings are welcome. Harmful words aren’t.”
  
  

Favorite Mary-isms from the Episode

• “Your child isn’t the enemy—they’re your curriculum.”
  
  
• “Connection is the way forward. When they feel seen, they’re more cooperative.”
  
  
• “Hold your crown. You’re the adult with the fully formed prefrontal cortex—lead with love.”
  
  

Try This This Week

1. Write your Good Mom Statement
   “A good mom is calm, kind, and firm—regardless of my child’s mood.”
   
   
2. Choose your Archetype
   Queen, Glinda, Wonder Woman—pick one and practice it in a low-stakes moment.
   
   
3. Create a Beauty List
   Five specific strengths you see in your spicy one. Read it out loud (and add one for you).
   
   
4. Practice One Repair
   When you lose it, circle back using the framework above.
   
   

About Our Guest:

Mary Van Geffen is an international parenting coach for Moms of Spicy Ones, as well as a Spicy One herself. Mary helps parents practice the spiritual discipline of staying calm, kind, and firm with their strong-willed kids--especially when they don't deserve it. She combines her training as a Simplicity Parenting counselor and Professional Co-Active Coach with hard-earned personal experience raising her own spirited child as well as her mild-mannered child. She has transformed the lives of over eight thousand mothers with her eight-week group program and on-demand digital courses. She shares daily inspirational tips with her 400,000 followers on Instagram. Her greatest achievement is cultivating a connected relationship with her now-adult Spicy One.

Resources & Next Steps

• Mary’s book: Parenting a Spicy One (memoir + practical steps).
  
  
• Bonuses Mary mentioned: Meltdown Meditations for Moms and Affirming Your Spicy One masterclass (if you pre-order).
  
  
• Repair Guide: https://www.maryvangeffen.com/repair 
  
  

If this episode encouraged you, share it with a friend who’s raising a big-feeling kid. And if you’re a homeschool mama craving more peace, presence, and practical support, subscribe to The Feast Life and leave a review—it helps another mom find the encouragement she needs today. 💛

You’re not behind. You’re becoming. And your spicy one? They’re becoming, too.